I hit another high wave. I'm motivated, engaged, excited even, and my productivity has never been better. Tackling technical tasks left and right, full of gratitude for my coworkers, it's a high like no other.
And I know it will end soon enough, and I'll be lost, overwhelmed, and unhappy with myself again. I won't be able to fulfill the expectations my past self has set up and I will start drowning in my inbox, obligations, ideas. Guilt and fear of missing out will hold me down, frozen in time, unable to make a move, yet still beating myself up for being this way.
This time, I want to be more mindful. Not agreeing to too many things. Not overcommitting myself for the future, saying no more than I'd like. Building rituals and sticking to them, so that when the hard times come, I can relax into the known and practiced. Making dinner while half-watching tv. Playing an instrument for ten to fifteen minutes. Going for a walk. Making a pot of tea.
All this energy that I'd usually put into new endeavours, I can invest in my future self, to calm down the amplitudes I've been experiencing since forever. More deliberate practice and focus, less high and chaos. Which is hard, because my brain often gets distracted before I even notice it and I look up from a new art project - or a half-eaten pint of ice cream on a bad day.
One thing I had that I didn't before is safety. I know who I am, even without my job, organizing events, putting myself out there, being recognized. I know who I am when I sit down with a cup of tea and relax. I know who I am when I brush my teeth and look in the mirror. I don't need doing or constantly starting new things to be myself, I don't need to prove anything.
Without doing, I am still me.