I'm starting to feel more comfortable in my body as I gain strength and lose weight. While I don't always like to admit it, there is a certain "ideal weight" that I feel right at and the further away I am from it, the more disconnected I feel from my body. The more disconnected I feel, the less I'm taking care of it and live outside of the current moment.
I remember the first time I felt really connected to myself as an adult. After years of being obese, jumping between the need to disappear and the urge to take as much space as I can, I rapidly lost a lot of weight (turns out sometimes being fat is about hormones). At first, I didn't even notice it, because I wasn't paying attention to anything happening to my body, unless it was stuffing myself with food or riding a wave of rage from yet another person commenting on my looks. It took a few months before someone else noticed and I decided to check my weight.
I suddenly dropped back into my body, as if I was floating above it all this time, puppeteering it to meet the basic needs. I started taking care of my makeup, buying different clothes, presenting myself differently. And for the first time, nobody commented on how wrong I was for having a presence - to the contrary, I was getting only words of encouragement.
For a few blissful years, I was riding that wave. My weight got to the perfect spot, I suddenly felt attractive enough, worthy enough to be a full human being. But then, as it happens, I went overboard in living to the fullest, and forgot about nourishing my relationships - why would I care about people if I could meet new, nicer people? People who never once said a negative comment about my looks or made me uncomfortable about eating whatever I felt like?
Now I was powerful, I could eat anything! New people were astonished that I could eat so much and look so great, I no longer had to be ashamed and punished for what people perceived my weight to be - lazy, stupid, less-than. And slowly but surely, as my diet deteriorated and my age progressed, I started gaining back some of the weight. Not to the point of being obese, but enough to feel guilty.
Exercise, diet, healthy sleeping habits are starting to show. I'm getting back to that wonderful feeling of wanting to be me. Not some more attractive, better person. Not someone more worthy. Just me. Because my body and my mind fit right together. And I want to be where I am.
There is a part of me at the back of my head that's scared of failure. That part still believes my worth is measured in how attractive I am. And as much as I disagree with it, because a big part of being in sync with my body is that it feels good to be stronger and healthier, I think it will not stop having influence on how I perceive myself.
Five more kilograms to go it whispers into my ear.
You don't want to eat that, do you? it shakes its head in disbelief.
The stronger I get, the less I can hear it. I hope this time my voice won't grow smaller, no matter what my weight is.