Hi, it's been a while. It was 7 days of crazy headspace. Now, I find peace getting myself to sit down and get back to writing.
I submitted a proposal I worked on days and nights on Monday. Not sure what it'll bring but I have a tendency to make sure everything I create pass a certain quality line. In return, it becomes more clear that I also sacrificed some other quality in life.
A lot had happened during this critical time - I threw a birthday party I promised to co-host; I attended a face tracking class for my own endeavor; I had a side project and work project in the back of my mind; my parents are coming this week; I have an unresolved issue with someone I cared; and my empty bullet journal somewhere in my backpack is screaming for attention. All these are happening with a huge surge of fear, insecurity, and doubt. Every small things amplified and it stinks.
What I learned about myself is that I simply can't perform well under all these pressures. I want everything to be perfect and it ends up hurting. I can't move on to the next task if the current task is not done yet. This is my brain capacity and patterns had shown its limitations. I either have my life work around my brain, or upgrade my brain. The latter is likely going to take a long time. So yes, I need to work on my life.
I need to be clear on my capacity and boundary. I need to block out time for personal development. I need to focus on fixing things with short term pain for long term gain.
"That cab has a dent In It" I discovered this one movie line from my coworker chat. It's an 8 seconds video of a colored blinded guy pointing at a broke down car and can only see the dent on it. This video illustrates how sometimes the big thing is trembling down and we can only see the small thing.
I was in a dark headspace restlessly labeling "right" or "wrong" on all the small things floating in my head. What's past is passed and your reality is the meaning you give to it as a whole.