1 year ago 💘 for day 23, 2019 with 309 words.

Process of a Healing

"I see you walking down the street. I see you coming back inside. I know you're wondering what all this means to you." - Grace, Oohyo

I'm sitting across imposter syndrome with my ignorance syndrome, listening to this beautiful song. I'm trying to gather myself back up.

I have a mental frame of how people think in my head. I put myself out there a few hours ago and my mind started running through how all these people that I respected would think. I have yet to control this virus in my brain. Sometimes, it just triggers unwanted programs and burns out all my RAM.

This little destructive program sometimes will pull out all the cache, and start rendering a simulated scene of the past and present, with a specific sentiment attached. Then you come to this conclusion, "this person must be mad at me given all the things I did in the past".

I know what you're thinking, "Tinnei, no one cares." Yup, no one cares.

So what happened here in my brain? I went straight to pessimist mode. I let my inferior self take control. When I went back home this past November, my longtime friend pointed straight out on my tendency. I have always been like this. Have I improved? Yes, there are definitely other times I improved my subconscious reaction. This makes me realized just how imposter syndrome has deeply rooted in me.

Again, the best way to do this is to learn a ton and prove myself wrong. Not anyone, just myself. Forget about all these external validations. I am the control of my own life. I have better things to care about.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it. All these bits and bytes are just temporary. Focus on your craft, Tinnei.

dreamer

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