6 months ago 💘 for day 208, 2019 with 342 words.

World’s default

Woah Day 208 of 2019, it’s been a while.

Life's changed a lot these past few months. My world is now expanded to a wide-open space with risky directions that I was too scared to think about yet I am considering now. I have opened up many "now I've done that" bingo slots which confirmed many of my old beliefs of myself.

Today I want to focus on the thought of what drives the new risky directions. I may come back and talk in-depth about the directions in some other time.

These days I found myself loop back to this fear of being in a foreign place and feeling helpless from not being able to fully express myself to certain people, especially people who I meet in odd defaults -- defaults that make it hard to change their impression of me.

To think in positive terms, there's a forest out there, I should probably not linger on one tree and thinking it's all my problem. It's unlikely all my problems. But I do find patterns in things I "do not" do that pull myself away from repealing defaults --

  1. I don't ask for help; I have a hard time wording my needs without apologizing all over the place and understanding people are happy to help at times.
  2. I don't initiate changes; I think initiating things cause people trouble, so in turns, I just accept defaults as immutable defaults.

These are behavior patterns that rooted from childhood that kept surfacing over and over again, and I didn't have a name for it. You ask how much does childhood affect a person? I would say the worst part of childhood "carry-ons" is that you don't even feel the weight of it because you carry it every day.

This just got me thinking, how many opportunities are scrapped out of people when they don’t even have their own voice.

“ Talent is evenly distributed, but opportunities aren't.”

Let's brainstorm on this further, shall we? Back here tomorrow.

dreamer

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