(This is another entry without a destination and heavily loaded. Feel free to read my other ones. ;) )
It's the weird time of the year - birthday.
Today was tough. Been through a roller coaster of emotion. I shut off, I blast out, I hurt someone I loved, I hurt myself. And now I'm sitting at my desk, exhausted to think.
I stepped on the roller coaster on Friday by buying myself a ticket to the movie Spiderverse. I got out, I strolled around a place I used to walk, back when I was living on my own. I made a decision I always wanted - turn up a sad song and walk all the way to Ferry Building.
It was a nostalgic night, and to enhance the nostalgia, I picked the song "I always wanna die (sometimes)" by 1975. This song got into my bone. Especially the line, "your memories are sceneries for things you said but never really meant".
The song drained out all the positivities from the past few days, amplified my doubts. I'm left with the recurring question "how did I become like this?" I have a few soft spots in my heart. Every time the same set of thought chain spun up and kept widening the rabbit hole. Thoughts wandered and arrived nowhere. And in the middle of these all, is one person I loved and I hurt so much that I just can't quite get through.
It is maybe nostalgia or unsatisfaction of being myself. I am holding on many things that I can't quite see destination. I am back swimming in the vast water without knowing where I want to go. Is this a good time to involve another person? Will there ever be a good time? What can I hope for? How can I care less?