Yesterday I had an awakening moment, much needed awakening moment. Everything I'm hiding from finds its way to me. All the excuses become laughable. It's like a light suddenly turns on and my shadows are nowhere to hide.
I love it. It's pain but once the impact goes away, you know you have opened up a chapter of growth.
It was a series of event where people opened up and be blunt with me, somewhere along the line like "Tinnei, if you're a really nice person why are you saying things like this". I used the name of confrontation and others' empathy to demean the people I loved. I said, "it's okay, people should do whatever they want". At the same time, I can't put my judgment down. My value and my action don't align. I became an unreliable person and I allowed it to go on.
I am a designer. Part of my job is to understand people and emphasize with them. Yet, all I do all day is carrying a sad and angsty face spreading pessimistic thoughts. I am imposing my misfortune to other people, but I don't want to contribute to the world this way.
Smile, be nice to others. They have no wrong done to you. A good switch of perspective - you're accountable for other people's happiness. Remove yourself.
Then, Sam Altman posted this today: How to be successful This line really stroked my core - "truth-seeking is hard and often painful, but it is what separates self-belief from self-delusion."
Fix myself is X and do my part is Y. They are not mutually exclusive. :)
PS: I opened up my meditation app in a long while and selected the chapter on "doubt". The guide said, "Catching the hindrance in your thoughts immediately takes away some of the power of your doubt." I am back in control of my thoughts. What a wonderful world. This makes me smile.