Writing is tied to my emotional state, and when I'm feeling a particularly strong emotion—weariness, inadequacy, anything else—I find myself unable to put pen to page. Nothing flows out, no matter how hard I try.
As you can imagine, it's difficult enough to do for a full time living when it's so intrinsically tied into your day, that when this happens my productivity grinds to a halt. The spark disappears, and there's nothing to summon. Strangely, however, if you can bring yourself to write about what is going on, I've found the cork can be freed, and the words flow forth.
I haven't written anything lately here because I was struggling with one of those writer's blocks that wouldn't go away. It's not that I didn't want to write, it's that writing something down felt too personal, too much of a push toward getting out of the rut.
If I'm honest, it's a combination of things.
There's just that never-ending cycle of what am I doing with my life? What's my direction? Where do I want to be going? I very much realized that I adore working on projects and experiments I love, like this one, but that it takes time to get them off the ground. I couldn't spend all day on them, so instead I wallowed in life's realities, avoiding responsibility instead!
But there's also the uncertainty, or the impostor syndrome, that comes hand-in-hand with switching over to client work instead: what if they catch me out for being a fraud—not a real writer, developer, marketer, or whatever—while they're handing me money? I don't know where it comes from, but I think it's an attribute of needing to keep work in the pipeline, and those weird, quiet days where there's nothing to do.
Anyway. I sat down to get some words out. Then they came, and a few more came after that. I've been gone because I think it's sometimes just really challenging to get back into writing words when emotions are bouncing around. But, as I've found time and time again, stopping makes it worse: writing is an outlet, and already, I'm feeling better just having put this down onto a virtual page.