1 year ago 💘 for day 96, 2020 with 979 words.

My father was criminally insane conclusion

My father also let me know that it was a common rumor that I was the child of a friend of theirs. I also heard that as a child. I believe my mother wished that to be the truth. When that particular friend passed away my mom took it pretty hard. I, however, am very obviously my father’s child as I look just like him. That may have led to some of the animosity that my mother had for me. My father also shared with me how much he regretted everything that happened that led him to being incarcerated in the mental institute. He told me how much he loved both me and my mother. He seemed very heartfelt in his sentiment for us both. He showed me his arms, and each arm was a name. One was my mother's and the other was mine. These were done years after he was divorced from my mother and done while he was incarcerated. This was made especially touching to me because my father remarried a very nice woman who by all accounts was only sweet to my father. He then asked me if I was cared for growing up. I wish I had the maturity of time lived on this planet that I have now, but back then I was brutally honest. It was something I prided myself on but didn't realize the damage it could do. So I broke down and told him it was horrible. I told him my stepfather was a monster and my mother did nothing to protect me and in fact not only allowed the abuse but at times suggested it. I was just about in tears and just really feeling all the years of depressing treatment I lived under and thinking how much different things would have been if this man had been around when I was growing up. I recognized my mistake immediately when I saw my father's face fall. The look of anguish on his face told me this man loved me and he was the one person I was missing in my childhood that would have protected me. I wish I had given him a gift that day and reassured him I had been fine. But I was too young and full of anger and rage to recognize what I realize was the obvious answer to the question he asked me. It's time now for me to tell you why my father wasn’t in my life. It was during the time with my mother that she found her one and only love, drugs and alcohol. He also started to partake, but unlike her it wasn't his calling. Unfortunately though it did change his life forever. It seems and this is from a child's memory but it seemed to bring out what was probably going to come out eventually anyway, but may have been rushed to the surface. He started to see and hear voices and people that where not there. It seems that during the last year with my mother he had started to describe events that included people who where not real. I must have only been a few months old when he heard voices that told him something was coming and it was evil. He blocked all the doors with him and me in their home and it took rescue workers to get us out. I can't help but think this was somehow for shadowing of the future because the only person due at the house that day was my mother. In the end that was what ended my parents marriage. My father moved on and married a lovely women that I remember very vaguely meeting. This was prior to my step father moving in with my mother and ending my visitation with my father. The only memory I have of her is the one visit, and it was my birthday. They had given me a fluffy puppy, I believe was black and white. I never did see that puppy again after that day. It must have been not too long after my visit that my father's demons surfaced again and this time they told him a different story. This time they told him that his wife was a danger. They told him to stop that danger. My father truly saw these beings and heard their voices the same way you would a friend during a lunch time meeting. So when he got the message that she was a danger, he believed it. This led him to take action to stop that danger. The way he did this was to stab my step mother in the chest several times. It was unfortunate and I understand the reason he was sentenced to a mental institution. My father never did recover completely and even after serving his time was never able to stay on the right side of the law for any length of time. I mourn his life as much as his death. I guess it's a testament though to the care I grew up with that I never feared my father. There was one incident that occurred after he had been in Patton for a few years when he actually escaped. I was in kindergarten at the time and my step father had already moved in. The shift in my mother happened only a few weeks after my step father moved in so I was already miserable with my small life. I'm not sure where he was headed that day but it was in the direction of where I lived. I always imagined he was coming to rescue me , which is probably why I never blamed him for my life or was afraid of him. Who knows the truth but maybe in some way I think it helped me to think someone cared enough to save me.

dreamer

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By Neecee B 💘

Currently I'm a full-time blogger and social influence dabbler. I'm currently a few months in to a year long plan to become a better writer and build a reasonably accepted blog. Also planning to try my hand at short videos and podcasts.

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