The thing with planning things when you have a chronic illness of some sort is not just that every day is different, but that the consequences can carry on for days. No matter what your life is, some days will be good days and some days will be bad. On a bad day, you might feel frustrated or disappointed, or maybe you'd accept the situation and decide to come back to it another day. When that other day comes you simply find a way to get through that backlog until you find yourself back on schedule and get yourself back on track. But when you're chronically ill, you simply don't have that extra reserve. You can't push yourself a bit harder the next day and get back on track. The only solution is to move everything forward. When you're chronically ill, there is no leeway there. No reserve power. No stretch. You have to work with what you've got and when things go out the window, all you can do is accept that and hope that, without working any harder, things will even out.
Saturday I'd hoped to finish a drawing. Instead, I ended up caring for my boyfriend. The effort of running back and forth with buckets, the stress of worrying over him and the lack of time to eat and rest meant I felt like hell yesterday. And today.
I had a sort of schedule in my mind for this week. To try out this new idea for how I was going to approach this whole business thing. But the week hadn't even started yet and I've already fallen behind. I managed to finish the drawing today. But I feel no relief or happiness over it. I just feel tired.
(and the physical therapy trip from hell didn't help)
I'll try again tomorrow.