3 months ago 💘 for day 60, 2020 with 720 words.

Relax, muscles, relax already

Boy, do I regret the title I picked for those last few bits! Turns out that whole chickens before they hatch thing also applies to the title you choose for a post with multiple entries ;)

After spending the whole day feeling incredibly dejected, I woke up the next morning with an idea. What if we could store the motorcycle in my parent's backyard? We could build a little wooden shed for it so it's safe from the weather and there's already a roof where we used to put our bikes! My dad, always happy to help us out, agreed right away. This also meant that it would be easier to apply to places. After getting the boyfriend onboard I called the guy with the fancy as shit house and told him about our interest. It's a beautifully renovated and styled house in the old centre of town. It's a bit pricier then we wanted and a touch smaller, but big enough and gorgeous. The problem with having no place to store the motorcycle solved, it would now be an option for us and honestly.. I'd been in love with it since I saw it. The house currently has temporary renters who he expected to be in there for around 6 months. Now that we're officially interested, he's going to get in touch with them and ask them how long they'll be. So... we wait.

This afternoon I checked my mailbox and another listing was in on one of the realtor's websites. It's a big, big house that checks all of our boxes! But they were closed of course so Monday morning 8.30 I'll be on the phone. And so... We wait some more.

None of this is helping the enormous headache I've had for ages. My muscles are so tense, it's driving me up the wall. Dimitri is in his hometown this weekend (again) rehearsing for a gig he has in a few weeks, so I just have myself and the cat to talk to. In an effort to take care of myself I tried to take all yesterday off. I didn't read a book, listen to a podcast, watch tv or work on anything. I made sure to rest plenty. I was exhausted from all the house stuff and my back was so painful from getting cracked that this was easy. By the evening the pain had gone out of my muscles and the tension came back and so did my headache. Today I'd planned on going to the Sauna but I felt restless, so I called my dad and asked him if he wanted to take a walk in the woods. Early this afternoon, just ahead of the storm. We had coffee, discussed the house stuff and then took a walk with two very happy doggies. It was nice. If I hadn't had such a headache I would have enjoyed it far more though.

When we were having coffee a girl sat down in the same place that I grew up with. This was strange since it's so far away from there. I nudged my mom and after a few seconds, she recognized her too. "You should go say hi!" and so on my way out, I did. She was doing great, what with her husband, baby girl, dog and house. Thinking about emigrating to a warmer climate one of these years. When she asked how I was I couldn't manage much more than a stammering "Yeah, yeah, okay. Pretty good. Yeah, I'm okay." "Just okay?" "Yeah, yeah I'm okay" and awkwardly mentioned that I'm looking for a house in the hometown that she still lives in since the city is getting so crazy. There she was, being wonderful. Here I was. Broken and hurt. 33 years old, having worked my whole life, up until a few years ago and not even able to afford a home for myself. Not even being able to work or enjoy myself without repercussions, let alone be as contented as she seemed right there. Relaxed and delighted at the world, just like she was as a kid, despite her own childhood troubles. I am not okay. I just don't know how to relax. Myself, or my muscles. Maybe if I could figure it out, I could feel a little bit better.

dreamer

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By Leonie Jonk 💘

Designer & Illustrator with a burnout. I write fiction, the odd tech or design article & I write about my personal struggle with Burnout.

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