1 year ago 💘 for day 182, 2020 with 350 words.

I'm quitting therapy!

Today I told my therapist that I guess I don't really need therapy anymore. We were both happily surprised to hear me say that, especially since some months ago I felt like she was trying to wean me off of therapy and it scared the shit out of me. Somehow, from that time, I've transitioned to this new state of me.
I've learned so much about myself in the past few months, even though most of it was repetition of stuff I already knew, in the past year I got better at applying it. Of course my official diagnosis helps there. I know that it's not in my head. I know the problem isn't that I'm 'not trying hard enough' or that I'm 'doing it wrong'. I know why I ache and why I'm tired and what'll hurt and what'll help when it does. Soon I'll start a group course that'll help me deal with this new diagnosis and I feel scared but open and somewhat hopeful about it. But I don't need my current therapist anymore. As she said, we've made her obsolete.
I know now that a bad day doesn't mean that I'm on my way to falling off that cliff again. I know that pain can come and go. I know that stress will inevitably come and that I can care for myself when it does. And I do. And when these things happen, when I'm hurt or stressed or frustrated or sad, I know that that's okay. I'm allowed to feel all of these things. I knew this already of course. But now I feel it. Truly.
And if, for some reason, I forgot for a while? I talk to Dim, or to someone else and am reminded that this too shall pass and that until then, I can exist within this moment, even if it's an unpleasant one. I've been through worse. And yet I always found joy, I always found connection, I always found love, whenever I sought it out. Even in the darkest moments. I'll be fine.
It's time for a new phase.

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By Leonie Jonk 💘

Artist & Spoonie I write about my life as an artist and as a person with chronic pain, the struggles, the rewards, the inspiration & the downfalls. Oh and occasionally the odd piece of fiction :)

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