If the leaderboard is counting correctly, today will be my 981st day of continuous writing on this site. I should be writing post number 1000 before the end of this month.
I'm sad this place is so dead after two and a half years. I'm sad its creator has given up on it and moved onto other things. I know the pandemic has taken up a lot of mental energy for many (myself included) but this process of dying had started even before Spring of 2020.
I don't know where I'm going with this post... I'm in pain and my anxiety is peaking because my gums are seriously swollen but every dentist has said it's not a big deal. I'm not sure that's true — they're saying my anxiety is telling me it's a big deal when it's not — I don't know what to believe; professionals or the signals from my body?
Apologies for another post about nothing. I'm in pain, I'm scared and frustrated. No one seems interested in finding the cause. It's like when I had chronic UTI symptoms but my test came back negative so my doctor told me to just take some paracetamol as if treating the acute pain meant the underlying issue would just magically go away on its own. It. Did. Not.
Again, apologies for the shitty post.
CW: thoughts of suicide
For a minute she just lay on the floor. Wishing non-existence on herself. If life was such a constant struggle, was it even worth it? Well, her apartment was a mess and she still had a few boxes to fill out in the "My last wishes" papers. She was not ready to go. Not in any way, when she thought about it.
Okay, so life had to go on. Her dog would be devastated if she just left him, it wouldn't be fair. And then her family too, of course. But Whiskey wouldn't understand. He was such a good dog.
Yes, life had to go on, for a little while, at least.
She looked at the ceiling wondering what non-existence would feel like. It was hard to imagine. Impossible really. One day she would know but by then it would be too late to understand it. Death seemed peaceful, in a way. But also scary. Like the fact that the universe is infinite and has no up or down.
Life was scary in its own way but at least she knew what that entailed. She got up from the floor. If she had to stay here, keep existing, she might as well order pizza!