The guy who messaged the other evening and asked if he could come by to say hi (which my naive head did not see as a booty call) hasn't messaged me since. There's nothing unusual about that. We didn't talk for months after ending things last year and only texted a little after I accidentally ran into him on a train a few months ago. There are some unresolved things, but I also know that no matter what could happen we will never be a couple. We are too different for that.
Yet he's still been on my mind for the past couple of days.
I spent most of yesterday with friends and was pretty drained today, but I didn't have any plans and thought I could spend all of the day alone. While reading in a park I happened to find by chance, the friend I hung out with yesterday evening called. She asked me if I would go with her to see the bonfire (it's Sankt Hans today in Denmark). This clashed with my plans of being alone, but I agreed anyway — it's nice to know people enjoy your company.
At some point, we were talking about finding a guy she could match me with from her new workplace — she's got a job at LEGO that begins on 1st of July — and I got a bit quiet. I really don't want to get matched with anyone right now. There's a guy on Happn, a seemingly very sweet guy, who I have promised I would get back to when I was done with my thesis. I haven't done that yet and I even deleted the app to make room on my phone.
I feel like I want the fun and the intimacy a relationship can provide, but I just feel my body getting heavy when I think about my independence disappearing. I don't want another person in the equation of my life to complicate things. I don't want to be tied down to a specific geographical location or let moving to a new place complicate things with a guy.
I've always been an introvert, but I've also almost always had a boyfriend. Right now I think I need to be alone without one.
Maybe it's because I'm 27 and it seems very serious if I start dating someone. There are some things which are expected to at least be considered at this age. I don't want any of that. I also don't want a fuck buddy because I know I would end up with a broken heart.
I'd love to get the validation from getting married, I'd love to know I always have someone to support me. But I don't want to date anyone and I don't want to get attached.
I don't have an ending for this, but it feels a little better to have written it down.