I'm 27 and I have a crush on a guy online. It feels like the crushes I've had on celebrities and pretty close to every other guy I've ever had a crush on since kindergarten.
It's been almost 3 years now. There has been highs and lows in intensity.
When this crush started I was actually DMing with him on Twitter. And I couldn't believe such a sweet, kind and intelligent guy also had a crush on me! ME! He told me I was beautiful. At some point, the attention started to fade and a couple of my DM went unanswered. I did the only thing I felt I could; I pushed him away with my words.
I had actually tried to do that a couple of times. Up until today, I thought I did that because I was afraid of being rejected, but I think there's more to it.
I think I like the feeling of longing for someone.
It makes sense. As a kid, I spent hours during bedtime thinking about the crush I had on that day. There was a handful of guys in my class I had crushed on and they were on a slow rotation through the 9 years I went to that school. It was a very familiar feeling to have a crush on someone who it felt like didn't even knew I existed. This feeling of longing got even stronger when I began to have celebrity crushes. They were so intense.
I would make up small scenarios where I met them and they would fall for me. The total opposite of rejection. A kind of unfulfilled potential. I could long for someone who would never actually got disappointed by me or worse not noticing me. In the longing was a potential for happiness.
I think that sense of longing has immense power over me. I'm not sure what life would be like if I didn't feel it. What would I spend all that time on during the night when I can't sleep, if I can't make up small scenarios where I "accidentally" bump into my crush? I'm pretty sure it would be filled with anxiety and existential dread. That longing is so comforting in its familiarity.
I have even considered blocking and refollowing my crush. I don't know if it's because I hope he'll notice and follow me again or if it's because I want to torture myself with an even more intense feeling of longing.