There's a good chance I've written about this before with almost 900 posts but if I can't remember writing it, you might not remember reading it either.
Lately, I've had a feeling I just had to "get through the day". I haven't done anything in particular and I'm unsure what causes this feeling. Today it made me think about how I miss that part of studying. Even if I wasted a day doing nothing or just got through the day doing whatever was on my schedule, I still moved a little closer to my goal of finishing my degree.
These days I don't have a goal like that. Every day that passes I get closer to death but that's not a milestone I'm eager to reach. I guess I struggle a lot with some classic existentialism.
I want a job I can sink some worry hours into. Something to take my mind off of the big questions. I also dislike being unemployed because of the way other people view me and how the system views me. I want a job and I want to be good at it. I don't feel like I can get too excited about anything because my experience tells me I'll just be disappointed for the literally hundredth time.
I don't want to chase deadlines or paydays. I'm no longer fascinated by the idea of surviving until the next phase of Marvel movies/shows. I have no children I can pass the torch to and I'm not desperate to build a family. It feels urgent I make it till the end of the day and onto the next but right now it just feels like a giant waste of life.
Try them all
Mira took the CD out of the CD player with less urgency than she had put it in with. Disappointed she played the reflective disk back in its case. Okay, nothing on that one, maybe the next will be it. She looked at the two stacks; the disappointing one and the potential one. There were only two and not three stacks as she had hoped when she began this weekend project.
Mira took the next CD My Truth by Robyn and placed it into her CD player. She closed the lid and pressed play. The CD started spinning and as the first track began to play Mira pressed Skip back twice. Something happened!! Mira didn't know the title at the time but Robyn's Det gör ont ibland began to play.
SUCCESS!! Finally. She didn't feel patient enough to listen to the whole track. She stopped the CD and removed the disk, put it in the case, and created made the first contribution to a third stack; the hidden track stack! Eagerly she picked up the next CD hoping for another hit. If only she could find a couple more. She looked at the stack of potentials with a renewed energy.