6 months ago for day 42, with 350 words.

On Processing Exhausting Situations

I started this piece writing something factual and informative and then deleted it all after a quarter of the way there. I'm exhausted. I'd been awake since 5:45am. I spend 3 hours at the gym this morning, had two meetings in different parts of the city. Spend a few hours losing the only credit card I have, then finding it. I wrote up some design documentation for my client. At night, I started doing my corporate tax returns. There are important emails I haven't replied to and I'm in no mood to do that - I might just say something stupid I'll regret later,

I know when I'm exhausted not when I feel exhausted, but when I start getting annoyed by people or situations that don't usually annoy me. I notice when this happens, I don't feel very supported by folks around me. I don't reach out, because that feels like wasting the little energy that I can't afford to lose. And if the next person asks whether have I tried meditation or gratitude journalling or adopting a keto diet to address the realities of struggling as a remote-working entrepreneur and an athlete, I would seriously flip a table.

As much as I tell myself that I'm not the kind of person to need validation, I struggle to feel appreciated at times like these. The apathy as exhaustion doesn't help on top of it all. It feels as if people are trying to use me. I wonder if it has much to do with growing up with parents who prized achievement and gave conditional love.

While I was naturally confident and never felt unworthy of what I worked hard for, I would often feel used as a bragging prop when I made them look good, but behind closed doors, people would dump their frustrations onto me. It wasn't until my mid-twenties that I learned about boundaries. And perhaps because I'm in Asia now, it's extra difficult to enforce boundaries - there is no such concept in Asian culture. It's exhausting.

Anyway, saving this conversation for my therapist.

User Photo

By Hannah Wei

@herlifeinpixels on Twitter. Here to conquer my fear of writing publicly. Product consultant. Ex-startup founder. Athlete.

Get Hannah Wei's newsletter

Almost there! Check your inbox and click the link to confirm.

Subscribe to Hannah Wei's latest writing to get it right in your inbox.