It's wild how much my mood can swing lately. One day I'll be high, at the very least at peace and contentment with the world. The next the unanswered questions confront me and corner me, pushing me down until I just want tomorrow to come, and hope it'll be better again.
They say that, in part at least, feelings follow your thoughts. I realise that. It's times when a negative thread appears and gets blown up in size that I struggle the most. My thought's spiral in endless "what if?"'s and my feelings make it all feel so real.
In many ways my future feels uncertain, yet in many others it feels secure. In the reality of things I can touch and hold, uncertain, but in the deeper things, secure.
I'd rather have it this way round, I guess. Better to have a good foundation to build the house on, than a beautiful house on crumbling foundations.
It's been a testing time though, with all the uncertainty. I've felt challenged in many ways, days when I just wish it was over and I knew what life looked like, and days where I feel I've wrestled with stuff and come out better for it.
I enjoy testing times, at least in hindsight. Fred needs to be tested, to be stretched, to be put through his paces. He needs to test his boundaries and stretch out his tent pegs. He needs to try and at times to fail. Then he needs to get back up again.
In reality, the day to day isn't enjoyable much. It's life. It's a struggle. It's wrestling. But overall I know it's healthy and that my steps are heading me in the right direction.
Steps day by day may lead us from green pastures into barren ones, but that doesn't always mean we took a wrong turn.
There are times in life when we need to confront intimidating environments, and prove to ourselves we have what we need to overcome.
The journey isn't all rolling hills with flowers and sheep. But I'd be bored if it was.