I feel sad, and that's ok. It's true. It's how I feel right now.
Not deeply sad. Not desperately hopeless. Just a little sad. A little mourning.
Sad for a few reasons. A little uncertainty in the future. Dreary weather. Missing someone I love. Missing deeper connections.
I've a handful of people in London I value highly, two I really click with.
I took the calculated risk of dating one of those two people. It ended with us parting ways, and though we're close friends still, we can't be, at least not now, at least not until this process is walked out.
My other close mate has been pretty busy lately with work, having just arrived back from an extended break.
And so I've just been feeling a bit...depleted. A little under nourished. A little sad because inner Fred is trying to tell me that not all of his needs are being taken care of, his signals bubbling up to the surface and causing a few waves.
I'm a bit conflicted, too. Knowing what's right and healthy moving forwards, and doing that despite the pain and challenge of it, is a tricky walk to walk out.
But thankfully there are good people. Friends who might not be in London, but are there for me nonetheless. One such friend I'm ringing tomorrow, to plan a weekend getaway later this month.
Another such friend checked in on me this evening, and then rang me when I shared that I felt a little down.
These are the people that matter. All people matter, but these are those that matter most to me. Those that I share a deeper relationship with. Those that I know I can lean on, and vice versa, when the going gets tough.
Thankfully, I have these people. Thankfully, they have me too.
And so I'm ok, what with feeling a bit sad and all. It's just a signal from within that something is going on inside of me. A reminder that this is a journey I'm on, and that all that matters is moving forwards bit by bit.
Not knowing how it all turns out? That's a feature, not a bug. That's beautiful, the mystery of the unknown.
I'm sure glad I didn't get a download of how my life turns out from day one. I'm sure glad I don't know what's round the corner.
All I do know is that there's heartache there. That unavoidable. The only way to avoid that is to never love, and in doing so, forfeit the heart, killing it before it gets the chance to be broken again.
That's no way to live. It's no way for me to live. It's not how I'm choosing to live.
Tonight, I'm choosing to prioritise myself and those I love, and not let temporary emotions dictate my actions.
Tonight, I feel sad, and that's ok.