What if the grass is greener?
Is this what I should be doing?
At what point do I say this is "good enough"?
Weighing up decisions between this and that, it's hard.
Even writing these words as I think about it, that's hard too.
I guess I don't really know what I want. I have some goals and aims, sure, but knowing what the ideal path towards those is? That's not just hard, it's impossible.
I know I can't predict the future. I know tomorrow will have surprises I'm not expecting today. I know life twists and turns, with these twists and turns building on each other over time, leading to lives we couldn't have predicted from the starting line.
And that's what makes the idea of a 1-2 year commitment to a job difficult. What if it sucks? What if it's not what it looks like? What if something better comes along?
Opportunity cost is one of the biggest costs, at least to me mentally. Other costs are more obvious, more solid in nature. But opportunity costs are like the wind, always out of grasp. Always just around the corner, until you peer round and then they're gone.
"Life your best life" they say. That can put pressure on us to weigh up unknowns, scout out the grass over the other side, to doubt our decisions and try to wring out any last bit of potential in us.
Part of that is just how I think. I spend too long thinking about stuff, sometimes. Part of it might be down to being in a city like London. Everyone here is looking to move up the ladder. To make the most of their potential. To go for more.
I'm not really a city boy. I'm loving my time in London, my favourite city in the world. But I know deep down I'm more of a country boy. In 10 years time I'll probably be out in the sticks somewhere. And out there the hills and trees don't put pressure on you to be anything, do anything.
Maybe I'm just too wrapped up in it all.
Maybe the grass is greener.
Maybe I shouldn't care if it is.