For about a month now I've been trying to work out what's next. It's been tiring trying to get a grip with it all. Alongside the countless interviews and soul searching challenges continue to go on in my personal life and I'm just looking forward to having something more solid to work from again soon.
A few potential paths which didn't feel quite right to me have been ruled out. Objectively I'm happy about this. It's what I've been wanting the past few weeks, the many potential doors to narrow down to a few. But when it happens, fear kicks in and kicks off about how negatively things might turn out. How I might not find the right next step, and have to settle for something that doesn't feel quite right.
It feels a bit like the walls are closing in. D-day is coming soon, and decisions will soon need to be made. There's so much uncertainty about what the next couple weeks look like, let alone the next couple years. Yet when deciding on a job, that's the timeframe you're expected to be in.
I find commitment quite hard. I generally like to keep my options open. This is often a bad thing.
Committing to where to live? I dunno. I'm happy in London today, but what will future Fred think? Where will he be in six months time?
I'm happy to work on this project today, but what will be the best path for Fred in a years time to be on? I have no bloody idea.
Uncertainty is tiring. For me at least. My penchant for man-caving and the like, it's dangerous territory.
I've been here before. It was a struggle then. It's a struggle now. Overall the graph is trending upwards, but on days like today, when the emotional cocktail has conspired to bring me low, I need to remember that this too shall pass.
I'm excited for my future. I just don't feel it today.