The last 48 hours have been a bit off for me. I woke up on Monday morning with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, and I couldn't quite figure out why. Everything in my life right now (touch wood) is stable enough - apart from everyday ups and downs, I've been pretty ok recently. But this feeling persisted throughout the day, resulting in me slacking off at work, realising that I was slacking, and panicking about missed time. I slept like shit, waking up in the middle of the night with a racing heartbeat and in a cold sweat. Today, I woke up with a headache and had stomach pains all day. At 4pm, I told my manager I was closing my laptop as I had to get outside for some fresh air, which sounded like a good idea until I got out there and saw grey - grey skies, grey mud, grey slush.
So yeah, not a great vibe the last few days. That's also fine, I keep telling myself.
I am often quite hard on myself and I think this has only increased over the last few months. I've always had high expectations of myself, expecting myself to figure out problems with the click of a finger and getting cross at myself for getting over-emotional at times. As somebody who lives and functions with a constant low level of anxiety, and have done so for the last two years or so, I can be a real asshole to myself at times. If something doesn't work out instantly or I feel off, sometimes there's just not a specific reason for it. There's not always a concrete answer as to why I'm feeling off, and this, unfortunately, is often the case.
The last year has been hard for so many of us, myself included, but up until recently I was lucky with my circumstances surrounding Covid - I managed to be with my family, some friends, my boyfriend, I had a job and things to do. I am eternally grateful for those elements keeping me in check, but the delayed anxiety of the pandemic has seemingly caught up with me recently. Travel restrictions coming and going at the drop of a hat, curfews in place, not being able to see friends - which is the hardest for me - it's all up in the air. I feel that a lot of us have had little stability recently, the moment we settle into a routine it gets thrown out again.
Right now, the Dutch Supreme Court and the government are fighting over whether we should keep our 9pm curfew or not. Although I don't agree with the circumstances or the actors from which this situation came about, I don't blame people for getting fed up. People are tired of the restrictions, tired of the constantly changing rules and regulations and also living with an anxiety of circumstance. People set fire to police cars and riot against restrictions because they are scared, bored and angry, which are three deadly bedfellows. If there is no end in sight, how can people stay obedient and willing to play by the rules? How can we keep going without tearing the place down?
I think we all need to give ourselves a break and remember that we are living in a world with no certainty, mass chaos and ultimately, fear. That allows for some anxiety and upset at times, and sometimes we just need to stop and let ourselves feel like shit, binge watch a Netflix show, eat unhealthy food, cry or rant.
Kind of like being on your period, but for the whole world.