1 week ago for day 177, 2020 with 386 words.

The Big "I Don't Know"

Whenever I engage with something coaching-related, I end up at the carnival of "I don't know". I have very few specific answers to most of the questions coaching books ask. What's more, the answers I do have tend to shift back and forth. Sometimes I am convinced that I am stuck in my job, sometimes I like my job. Sometimes I want to buy a house. Sometimes I think buying a house is the worst possible idea. Sometimes I know what to write about. Sometimes I stare at the blank page for twenty minutes (I just did that one).

When I try to visualise where I want to be in ten years, I also have a lot of "I don't know". I can tell you how I want my life to feel like (a lot like it does right now), but I can't tell you what the delivery-mechanism for those feelings is.

Sometimes I worry that great things are not going to come to me unless I am clear on what I want. Other times I fear that if I am too specific, I will get what I think I want but not what I really want. My husband is an excellent example of this. I could not have made him up. He is different from anything I imagined a good husband to be, and yet he is exactly what I now know I want.

It's tricky, I guess.

Do you know what your calling is? Do people even have a calling anymore?

I don't feel like I have a specific calling, but I have a feeling that I am going for. I want everything I do to feel like I am handing people flowers in a carnival parade. I want to give people things so that they smile. I want to be the cause of that sensation when someone does you something good, and your face lights up. I love the unfolding of realisation. I love the connection. I want to bring the magic.

I also love books and writing and maths and accounting. Perhaps, there is quite a bit of magic in accounting.

Maybe, I do have a calling after all, somewhere at the intersection of poetry, accounting, and faith.

I am excited to find out.


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By Fiene

Trying to make this writing thing stick. Medium: https://medium.com/@letterwings Twitter: @Fiene_P

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