3 months ago for day 162, with 320 words.

Striving and Self-Consciousness

Over the last two years, my priorities have become much clearer. In the wake of a self-development reading marathon and countless hours of podcasts, I first questioned my whole life and then slowly got to what really matters to me.

I learned to say no.

I learned to opt out.

In fact, I opted out of many things. I started putting myself and my family first, stopped working on Fridays, asked my boss for two home-office days a week, spent more time helping my son with school, read first thing in the morning, did yoga sometimes, meditated some times, improved all of our diets and decided that the endless striving for "better" and "more" wasn't for me.

I feel good about those decisions. My son is happier and improving in school. I know so much more than I did two years ago. My skin looks great (all the healthy food). I am better at forming new habits and sticking to them and I even have some money saved.

And still. Sometimes I feel self-conscious for not striving enough. I almost feel bad for not trying harder. I feel strangely inferior when I am around people who take "careering" seriously. I start questioning my choices. Should I pursue my career more? What is my career, even?

Sometimes I feel dismissed. Like the weird, fragile, strange outsider. "She does not count. She doesn't do this career thing. She doesn't really know what life is about. She is not serious. She is not dependable."

Then I breathe. Slowly. I review my situation and remind myself that there is nothing I want that can be bought with money.

Don't get me wrong. I love money. Very much!

I am just very picky about what I am prepared to give up in order to have more than what I need to have the life I want.

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By Fiene

Trying to make this writing thing stick. Medium: https://medium.com/@letterwings Twitter: @Fiene_P

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