I've been thinking about fear and impostor syndrome a lot lately. Both of them are like unloved relatives. I don't want to see them, I do not particularly like them, but somehow we are family, and they tend to visit uninvited. Sometimes they even stay over for tea and cake.
Imposter syndrome especially keeps getting me even when I am competent in an area. I have to continually remind myself that I not only know my shit but that I am also more than capable of figuring things out. Sometimes I wonder why that is. Maybe I just need more real-life everyday evidence that I can figure things out. Or I need to keep all the instances where I didn't know what I was doing but managed to do stuff anyway more present in my mind.
When I push past the terrified part of my mind that just puts a foggy blanket over "the great scary things", I realise that I am very good at figuring things out. Especially in a crisis. When shit goes down, I never go "oh my Ladybug I don't know what to do". It's only when I have time to think about things that I feel inadequate. It is also only when it is quiet that I care that I am inadequate.
So I wonder. Maybe this imposter thing is just something my brain comes up with when it has nothing else to do. It is almost as if my mind does not want me to feel competent. It constantly reminds me that there is so much I don't know. It keeps telling me that practically everyone is better than I am at everything I am trying to do. Very helpful, no?
Anyway, I suspect impostor syndrome is like any other feeling - a mostly irrational response that is beyond my control. At this point, I don't know that I will ever not have imposter syndrome. Feelings of inadequacy will always creep in. Especially after I have already "done the amazing thing and finally found some time to breathe".
The point may not be to feel competent.
The point may be to ignore those feelings of inadequacy and act in my best interest anyway (hint: ask for a raise, make that sale, write that book).