1 year ago for day 302, 2019 with 547 words.

Fleabag Sisters*

It dawned on me yesterday that despite all the healing, self-love and meditation, that I somehow continue to make excuses for my family. For my mother and father, not so much anymore — I can recognise their passive aggression and moods and take them for what they are, but for my sister, I most definitely still paint over her bad bits.

I wanted so badly to set her apart from our parents, to recognise that she's grown and changed since our childhood, but in the middle of a big cry, I finally saw that despite some changes, there's still so much anger and resentment inside her, which comes out of her in our conversations/interactions. And there's nothing I can do but observe that and observe how I react to her. I wanted so badly to see her changed that I didn't realise that the simple fact of the matter is that she still treats me so harshly and with the distinct tone of passive aggression that was passed on to us by our parents. On my good days, I let this slide. But upon scrutiny and reflection, there seems to be no other conversation between us unless she is demanding something of me and needs my help. I thought the acceptance and indentification of my parents' conditional parenting style was enough to continue a more mature relationship with my sister, I didn't take into account what our relationship meant to her, nor did I considerher own maturity or compassion, or lack thereof of both.

I believe in unconditional love. I am so aware that I constantly write about the gratitude I feel towards my friends, but it is really them who taught me that unconditional love is possible in this lifetime. But when other people, especially people from my family, don't speak that same language and had been directly involved in shaping my old (read: toxic) modes of communication/love/understanding, unconditional love falls short in their hands. On the days when I require more compassion, their love is revealed to be conditional.

This Scorpio season, it is this that I must let go of: These painful things that do not serve my Higher Self or the Highest Good. I can only take responsibility for myself. I cannot and should not expect that despite any evidence of change, that my sister is on a similar path of healing or that of self-awareness. My hope or expectations in that regard, is part of an old pattern of attachment where I am wary or fearful of saying no or turning them (family) down because it means that I have face their disappointment or passive aggressiveness or some kind of wrath/rage.

It is only truth in alignment with truth, where true love can flourish. I must accept that between all people, universal love is the only love that flows amongst us. The love between family can be fraught with tension and is sometines the breeding ground for unhealthy attachment patterns and isn't even love at all.

*this title is because when I watched Fleabag recently I recognised the relationship between the sisters, and even they — had a slightly more loving relationship that what my sister and I have. It is what it is.

dreamer

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By cat

writing to find my beginner's mind.

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